TRIGGER WARNING: This episode is about domestic abuse, sexual assault, and emotional manipulation.

Many women are being silenced, assaulted, and taken advantage of in abusive relationships. Aside from besmirching their dignity and destroying their self-confidence, a controlling partner may be hindering you from achieving your biggest career opportunities. Rosie Zilinskas sits down with Tiffiny Newton, author of Behind the Smile, who discusses how to recognize an abusive relationship and take the right actions to get out of it. They talk about why taking even the simplest baby steps is powerful enough to regain your confidence, rebuild your life, and protect your income. Tiffiny also presents different resources that can help you get rid of your controlling partner, from seeking help from a licensed therapist from BetterHelp to studying practical self-defense methods like jiu-jitsu.

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How A Controlling Partner Quietly Becomes Your Biggest Career Block With Tiffiny Newton

Before we get started with the episode, I want to provide you with a little bit of a heads-up, a warning that our topic covers domestic abuse and emotional manipulation. This content is intended for an adult audience only. I want to mention that I know that this is not a typical type of content that we produce here on the show, but with everything that’s happening in the world, with how toxic things are. I felt that this would be a good time for us to talk about how domestic abuse may impact your career.

I know that we usually talk about what holds women back at work, such as negotiation skills, visibility, or trying to work on their leadership. What if the one thing that is holding you back in your career is someone that you live with or that you’re in a relationship with? It may not necessarily be somebody who lives with you, but someone in your personal life who is trying to actively tear you down. That’s what we’re going to be talking about, which is how those toxic relationships can impact your career.

Let me introduce our guest, Tiffiny Newton. She was able to get out of an abusive relationship. She has transformed her pain into purpose. As an independent Life Insurance Broker, Founder of NewTide Consulting, LLC, and President and Cofounder of IgniteHer, Inc., she empowers women through their journeys of healing and self-discovery. I had a great conversation with Tiffiny. I hope that if you are not in this situation, but if you know somebody in this situation, please share this episode with them. With that, stay tuned for my conversation with Tiffiny.

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Tiffiny, thank you so much for being here with me. How are you, and how is sunny Florida by you?

Good, Rosie. Thank you so much for being here. It’s beautiful weather.

Tiffiny, you and I are going to have a great conversation. We’re going to be talking about how women in the corporate space can be impacted. A lot of times, we’re worried about whether leadership and visibility in the workplace holding us back. Is it us not being able to speak up? A lot of times, those things that may be holding us back are not happening at work, but it may be happening outside of work, specifically at home or with a boyfriend or a relationship.

Recognizing The Red Flags In Your Relationship

First of all, what is your experience in recognizing red flags? I will tell you. When I was in the corporate world, I was a professional. I was in a domestic abuse relationship myself. When I finally went to talk to an attorney, they told me, “You are a classic domestic violence abuse victim.” I sat there, and I remember staring at him being like, “How is that possible? I’m a working professional. I’m a manager. What are you talking about?” I wasn’t even aware that I was in that situation. What are the red flags that you have experienced that impact women in the corporate world?

I can relate to what you were going through. A lot of times, when we’re in it, we don’t know how to name it. A lot of the things that most people will relate to without labeling it as abuse is maybe isolation, controlling behavior, making you late for work on the regular, texting you a million times at work so it impacts your day-to-day productivity, or maybe circling the parking lot to see if you’re getting checked up on at work or to see if you’re leaving work with anybody. Those behaviors, the fear, the watching your mood when you get home, and not knowing what mood they’re going to be in, people relate to that language without relating to the abusive language.

I didn’t label mine as abuse until it got physical. That included even sexual assault, all of the controlling, and breaking my things. That’s assault and battery. There is taking your things, pushing you out of the way, throwing something of yours on the floor, or breaking something of yours. We have to know how to name it. In order to name it, we have to recognize that it is happening in our situation. It doesn’t stop when you leave for work. It happens at work. It follows you to work. It follows you home from work.

In my case, once I escaped my relationship, I realized that my boss was a bully. In that situation, I wasn’t even focused on that because I was so focused on how to get out of my own situation at home. I did have one person whom I did trust at work. I had known her for a long time outside of work. She and I would grab lunch together and have those conversations of, “This is what I’m going through.” She’s like, “Girl, you’re getting abused. You’re in an abusive situation.” I was still in denial. I’m like, “He’s just had a bad day,” or “He’s having a rough time at work.” As women, we have to stop making excuses for someone else’s bad behavior. That is not on us.

It’s interesting because a lot of times, we don’t even know that we’re in it as what you said. When someone says to you, “You’re in an abusive relationship,” and you’re like, “I’m not.” What is the next step? How do you move forward from there?

I couldn’t do searches on my phone because he would send me to work without my phone on some occasions. He would investigate. He was the vice president of an IT company. He knew how to search through all my history and back searches. Somehow, he was more of a pro at Facebook than I’ve ever seen anyone of going through detailed activity. He’s like, “Why did you like these people’s photos or comments five years ago?” That is the level of crazy that was happening.

How do you move forward from that? You have to recognize it. Not just by listening to their words, but by the patterns of their behavior. We all know the manipulator, the narcissist, even if it’s the hidden or covert narcissist. That pattern is going to come out through their actions, through their demands, and through expectations on you. What they’re allowing you to do or not allowing you to do. It’s recognizing that.

Reaching out to one trusted person is typically enough. If you start talking to too many people, it may get back to them, depending on your circle of friends or who you work with. Maybe your boyfriend or intimate partner is a coworker. Maybe they’re in the same building. What is that situation? It could be a multitude of situations. Make sure you find one trusted person. There are online therapy groups such as BetterHelp.com. I went through them. I was able to copy and paste text messages, emails, and those types of things into there and have conversations on a regular basis.

I didn’t have to wait two weeks or a month for a therapy session. It was a response of, “Do you recognize a pattern in this? Who is the focus of this email?” She took the email and flipped it to have me look at it in a different way. That is super important to have someone like that in your corner, who is a third party. Not a friend, but is a professional who knows what’s happening with people up here and how to look at that in the right way.

That’s a great point because mine wasn’t physical against me. It was throwing the steak out the window when they weren’t being made a certain way or throwing the vacuum or whatever those physical things. One time, he spat in my shoe. When it’s happening, you’re like, “It’s so hard to process that information.” For me, it was my OB-GYN. She saw the changes in me. She was the one who recognized, “Why don’t you go talk to somebody?”

You’re right. Sometimes, it’s not that you are in denial, but you don’t know what is happening. Sometimes, it does take that third party. When you started finally coming to terms with what was happening, what was some of the impact on your career? How was it affecting your career? How can someone who is in that space start realizing, “Maybe it’s me,” or maybe they know somebody?

Probably, the biggest thing that I warn women about is that if you are in a situation, you recognize it, and you’re starting to make a plan. A plan is going to be you going to your human resources department and saying, “This is what’s happening. Please give me some grace. I’m trying to get out of this situation. I may need a little bit of help.” Let them in because it may be that person, your abuser, showing up at their front door and saying threatening things there at your work.

If you are in an abusive relationship, recognize it and start making a plan to get out of it. – Tiffiny Newton Share on X

You don’t know. They may send cops to your work. They may make up some crazy story, and cops are taking you out the door in handcuffs. I’ve seen it happen. I’ve talked to ladies who have had that happen, where the abuser is making up stuff. She violated the injunction. All of a sudden, she’s walking out the door in handcuffs. She didn’t do anything. Let people know at work what’s happening.

When you are on your way home, you need to change your confidence level. When you have a plan, your energy changes. When your energy changes, they feel it. Your abuser feels it. Remember, they have spent months, weeks, and years chipping away at the inner person that is you. They are leaving you as soulless and empty as they possibly can. When they see that starting to build back up, that’s when it gets dangerous. You have to be very careful because they get physical and dangerous. You may not make it out of there alive.

I have a friend who got out of a relationship. That’s exactly what she had to do. She had to go home, and she was already working on her plan. First of all, it took quite a while to have that recognition, to understand what was happening to her. Once she had a plan, she started feeling better. She started feeling more confident, but she had to go home and almost play dead because she could see. When she was feeling well or good, or she was feeling more chipper, he started being vicious, nasty, and things like that.

How Tiffiny Got Out Of An Abusive Relationship

You’re right with that. You have to be very cognizant of how you’re behaving when you’re in the place. Why don’t you tell us a little bit about your story? How did you get to do the work that you’re doing? How did you get to recognize that this is something that is happening, and it happens at all socioeconomic levels? It’s not just because you don’t have money. It happens to almost everybody. Tell us a little bit about how you got into this work and your story.

I started a nonprofit six years after I left my abuser. The first thing was it was hard for me to admit I was being abused. Once I started down that rabbit hole, I discovered narcissism. I discovered covert narcissism and all the crazy words that I had never heard before, such as future faking, coercive control, and all of these things. What was all of this? I went through the power and control wheel that is widely distributed in domestic violence situations.

There were books like Is It My Fault? That is a Christian-based book because a lot of stuff gets used like religion-based abuse. There were checklists in there. There was another book written by an FBI agent out of Tampa called Dangerous Personalities. It’s all on psychopathy and all of that stuff. Reading through these, I was highlighting more than I wasn’t of things that I went through. I realized what kind of danger I was in.

Thank goodness I escaped before the COVID shutdown because I probably wouldn’t be here. His violence escalated very quickly. He went from pushing, cornering me, and ripping my work computer, which was HIPAA-related. I couldn’t have anyone look at my stuff because medical records were in it, but he was convinced I was cheating on him. He ripped my computer out of my hands and would back me into corners and scream.

I’m 5’4”. He’s 6’2”, 250 pounds, steroid head, shoots up steroids more often than not, and had me backed into a corner screaming. Not even an inch from my face. I’m driving, and he’s screaming as loud as he can. That’s dangerous behavior. That can cause accidents. This is why I tell people to document everything, because if I snapped and I did something, there would be a record of it. I didn’t know how to do that.

Even at that point, I was like, “He’s just mad. He’s having a bad day.” I was making excuses for that, but on my way to work and on my way home was part of my plan. He timed my drive. If I were a minute getting late to work, I had to explain myself. If I were a minute late coming home from work, I would have to prove with pictures that there was a backup or an accident. There had to be documented proof of where I was and what I was doing.

On the way to work, I would pick up those Amazon boxes that you see at gas stations and home improvement stores. You punch in a code, and it pops open the door. I would grab my box. It would be necessities, dog food, shampoo, and a shower curtain, even the cheap plastic ones that you can hang up quickly. When I escaped somewhere, I had the basics.

It’s your go bag.

I had a go bag storage unit. He already knew I had the storage unit. I had some of my stuff in there like my TV. He had sold all my furniture. He had manipulated me into giving a lot of my furniture to his mom. I have proof of that. “She doesn’t have anything.” He bought her everything. He made ten times more than I did. I don’t know why that was an issue. He didn’t want me to have stuff. He had some stuff in the storage unit. His mom had stuff in the storage unit.

On the way to work, I would grab from the Amazon box. On the way home, I would drop it off at the storage unit. There was no extra time involved. I would speed to drop it off so I could make up time and figure out timing and everything. It took me until the fourth time to start that plan. I had already left four times. I was already in talks with the therapist by the fourth time, recognizing what I was going through, that the danger was increasing, and that I needed to get out. The final time, I just had to pack up a few things because most of my stuff that was in the condo, I was like, “I’m going to give it to Goodwill.” I packed up a suitcase and put it in my car, but I dropped it at the storage unit, not at Goodwill.

That was smart of you to have that plan and have that storage unit or a go bag. How was your work? Did you disclose to your work that you were in a situation like this? How was it impacting your job? Again, we’re women. We’re in the corporate world. We’re trying to advance, but it’s so hard to focus on your career when you’re going through something like this.

In numerous occasions, he made me choose him over my work. I would call out sick. Where I worked, it was a point-based system. If you called out at the last minute, you would get a point, like if you were sick. If you showed up late for work, that was another point. If you had to leave early without proper notification, it was another point. There were numerous occasions when I almost got fired because of him. I was showing up late and showing up in tears. I tried my best to be very stoic and compartmentalized when I got to work. It was my only chance to feel normal.

If I showed up or left for work in certain outfits, I would get blamed the entire time I was at work. “Who are you sleeping with? I know why you dressed up more for work. Who is the guy?” There are threats all day long. If I didn’t respond, it got worse. I would have to respond. “My boss caught me looking at my phone. I can’t be texting. Why are you texting me now?” He was always setting a trap for me to fall into.

Does that impact your work? Absolutely. It impacts your confidence if you’re on the phone with a client. It impacts any meetings that you have with management because that means you’re not accessible by phone. You can’t have your phone in a meeting. I did not warn work. He did show up at my work, sitting outside my exit one time. It was more so the threatening stuff while I was at work through text messages.

He was traveling quite a bit. If I were able to work from home, because we could earn days to work remotely, he was constantly monitoring the cameras in the house. He added extra cameras so he could watch me when I slept. He could watch me when I was coming and going. If the internet went out, he would call and say, “Fix the internet, or I’m calling the cops to kick you out.” He was always threatening.

That is so hard. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. All of your experience is now translating into helping other women. A lot of times at work, you have to either take risks or you have to try to be visible. One of the things that women are not good at is being visible and showing that visibility. How does being in controlling relationships strip those things away so that you can be focusing on your relationship? When you’re trying not to be visible at home, you can’t shift and be like, “I have to be visible at work.” How did that impact you?

You have to compartmentalize, unfortunately. The last thing you want to do is lose your job or lose your freedom of getting that income. Whether he’s controlling it or not, that is your ability to bring in money to get freedom. You do have to compartmentalize at work to put it beside you and be like, “I need to focus on this now. If something interrupts me, it’s going to interrupt me, but I’ve got to get some work done to earn an income, to be able to have the choice to make to leave.” There is no other plan that you can do.

If you don’t have a voice at home, it is hard to have confidence in your ability outside of home because he’s already stripped that away. If you were at that job prior to meeting him, and if you are a top performer at work, take confidence in that. If you don’t have confidence, borrow someone else’s. Go talk to one of your cheerleader friends that you work with, that you’re like, “You’ve got this.” Ask for a pep talk and then go do your job. Compartmentalizing is the name of the game in that instance.

People might say, “I can’t afford to go to therapy.” They have employee assistance programs at work. Most corporations do. You can get a couple of free sessions and at least get the ball started. A lot of times, when you’re going through a situation, and you go talk to a professional and discern where you are and what’s happening in your life. That’s when you’re like, “I didn’t realize.” If my OB-GYN and that attorney had not said, “You are a domestic whatever.” I would have been like, “What are you talking about?”

One of the biggest things, especially with BetterHelp. I’m a huge proponent of BetterHelp because through my employee-assisted program for therapy, the next appointment was 3 to 4 weeks away. I couldn’t wait. I needed to figure out what was happening now. I felt I was crazy. I was talking about harming myself. I’m not talking suicide here. I’m talking about cutting and seeing, “Here’s something sharp. Here’s my skin. If I cut, I bleed.” I know that’s reality.

It was like, “I need to know I’m not crazy because I feel crazy.” He’s telling me, “Don’t waste money on therapy. They’re only going to tell you to please me, and you’ll be fine.” I’m like, “That’s not how that works.” I needed someone I could talk to right away because I was already in that spiral. With BetterHelp, you can get financial aid. You can apply for it. They have a back portal. You have to google BetterHelp.com financial aid, and you can apply for it.

My favorite part is that you can chat, you can copy and paste, you can have a conversation, and schedule a phone call. They’re helping you outside of their normal patients. They are getting back to you on a regular basis. I sometimes had 3 or 4 chats a day. I needed that immediate help. I couldn’t wait 3 to 4 weeks. I was already in a spiral.

Getting Out Of An Abusive Relationship One Small Step At A Time

Tiffiny, this happens to everybody at any level. As a matter of fact, I read an article about Anna Kendrick. I’m forgetting the name of the movie, but it’s that singing movie. She said that she was in an abusive relationship in real life herself. It was so hard for her to get away from the relationship. If you’re in a relationship like that, why do people stay silent?

There is embarrassment and shame. They don’t want to hurt the other person’s career. There is fear of not being believed because everyone knows the nice person in your partner. They don’t know what’s happening behind closed doors. There are a multitude of reasons. They are not coming forward and not saying anything. Sometimes, it’s the self-discovery. It took me six years to start talking about it. I didn’t care what other people thought of me in that sense. It was more, “How could I let myself go through this?” It was hate of myself. Forgiving myself was the hardest thing I have ever done.

By the way, Anna Kendrick was in Pitch Perfect. There was a quick TikTok where a therapist was also saying that Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard, who are famous actors. That she’s an abusive relationship because he’s narcissistic. These are prominent, famous people that are out there. I have no idea about the relationship or the validity, but I did listen to a little bit of what they were sharing. I was like, “That does sound weird what Dax was saying.”

I was in a similar situation and I was fortunate that I stayed working. I recognized that I needed to keep working. I had two small children at the time. I knew that I could not leave my work, which was wonderful. A lot of times, people don’t have that opportunity of either staying at work or getting a promotion. Once you recognize what has been happening, once you talk to your manager and say, “I need a little bit of time.” How do you start rebuilding?

How do you start getting that confidence? This is the same confidence that you are going to need once you recover and heal. You go back and focus on your career. You are going to need to navigate conversations, ask for raises, and talk about your performance. It’s that same confidence that has been depleted in the past. How did you do it? How can others do it?

I say the rebuilding of confidence starts with a baby step like, “I’m going to go do X.” You go do X. “I’m going to go do Y.” You go do Y. “I’m going to go do Z.” You go do Z. It’s those tiny baby steps. It may be, “I’m going to get up and take a shower,” because you do go into a depressive state. There’s no doubt. The relationship has died. It is a death in your life. There is depression involved. I don’t know anyone who’s going to tell you any different.

It is the death of a part of your life. It is the death of a period of time that you devoted to a relationship that you were trying so hard to make work, and invested so much of your time, energy, and focus. It’s gone. It’s about making tiny little promises to yourself and holding yourself true to that, whether it’s, “I’m going to go get a haircut. I’m going to do some self-care. I’m going to take a bath. I’m going to go buy healthy food rather than junk food or fast food.” It’s about little tiny decisions and holding yourself to that.

Make tiny little promises to yourself about self-care and hold yourself true to them. – Tiffiny Newton Share on X

Make a list. Go through it and check off. That is a confidence builder. You’re promising yourself to do something. You’re doing it. Make sure it’s something to help you feel better and look better physically. It’s a five-minute walk outside. As you walk outside, you’re listening for the birds and the wind in the leaves. You touch the leaves as you walk past a bush. You’re getting all the senses, the smells, and the sounds. Do that for five minutes a day. That’s on a break at work. That doesn’t even have to be at home or at work. It can be both.

I love that you put it as baby steps because you are almost rebuilding yourself as a person. I can relate to you as far as that guilt of, “How did I not recognize?” For me, it was also a little bit of isolation, where my family wasn’t even aware of what was happening. I wasn’t sharing these ugly instances that were happening. When it finally all came out, my sisters were like, “Why didn’t you tell me?” I had no answer. It was a shame.

It was some depression that I’m like, “I can’t believe I’m in this situation. I was married. Catholic, Mexican, how am I going to get divorced?” It was like, “What are people going to say? Especially my mother” It was hard. Mental health is the number one thing. When you don’t have your thoughts straight and that ability to discern what is a fact versus what you’re distorted in your head. It’s such a powerful thing. They can start helping you with all of those baby steps. You’re right. Sometimes, it’s just taking a shower. Put some clean clothes on. That’s all you can do that day.

Go to the store and get a smoothie rather than a milkshake. It’s little tiny things like that. I like fatty foods. That is what it is. Sometimes, if your health decreases because you’re feeding mac and cheese and fried chicken. If you continue to do that, you’re going to feel worse. It comforts you in the moment, but you’re going to feel worse. You’re going to look worse. You go down that tunnel again.

What can I do to make myself feel better? Put on makeup or at a minimum, put on some mascara and some lipstick. Brush my hair, wash my hair, or put on some perfume. Feel pretty. As you start feeling better and looking better, you make the next jump of, “What can I do? Is it going to the gym? Is it reading a self-help book? Is it recognizing and studying things that I went through to understand how I can get to the other side of this in a healthy way?”

All of those things that you mentioned are the start to get back into a good place at work, where you are able to advocate for the work that you do. Many women are still, as you said, able to compartmentalize. My work did suffer a little bit at the beginning. Once I started recovering, started healing, going to therapy, and doing all those things, then I became a high performer. Without a doubt, when you are going through something like an abusive relationship, it will impact your work if you don’t take steps to figure things out.

The other thing that I wanted to talk about is this, you talked about the body. Many people are now on par with mental health and talking about things. In the past, you wouldn’t talk about any of that stuff. You would keep all of that inside. You would bottle it, and then it turns into body trauma and disease because you’re not releasing all that stuff.

It’s so interesting. I want to encourage people that a lot of times, when you’re feeling sad, angry, and depressed, you’re like, “I don’t want to feel that. I don’t want to think about it.” You divert your attention. The reality is that you need to sit with those feelings, be able to feel them, have a good cry, and journal. Did you do any of that when you were going through your situation?

I love that you brought that up because emotional intelligence is something that we don’t bring up in children now. We can see that as they get through middle school and high school. They don’t have the same feelings and recognition of certain feelings. When I escaped, I did sit in my feelings. With the readings and going through the list, I sat and cried. The fact that I was highlighting more than I wasn’t brought me to tears, that I was in that situation, that I somehow got in that situation.

I don’t think of saying allowed myself because you don’t allow yourself. You’re manipulated into it, and you don’t realize it. Sitting in those feelings, I decided I was going to go through the calendar of the trips that we took, the stories that happened on those trips, because anything that started good ended in tears for me. How did this happen? How did I end up doing something for him out of the goodness of my heart, taking him to a dentist appointment where he was going to be under anesthesia?

It was my fault I was there. I was such a bad person that I had to go sleep on the bathroom floor to get away from his insults. He came in, pissed in the toilet over my head, and let piss hit me in the face. How do you come to terms with that and come to terms with the discovery of things that, what they’re blaming you for doing, they are actually doing? Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise. Projection is absolutely 100% true. The more he accused me, the more he was doing with men and women. I caught him cheating on me with a man. It is a big thing.

It is a big thing to come to terms with. I wrote all of it down. What I couldn’t remember then, I would go back and go, “We went here. The month before, we did this.” I have a timeline. In my book, as I talk people through recognizing behaviors in their friends and family if they’re in an abusive situation. If you don’t understand how that looks, my story is part of an example in there. At the very end, there is a brief account of a timeline of what I went through, how things escalated, and the things he demanded of me. It wasn’t just, “I demand X, Y, and Z.” It was a list of 41 things that he expected me to do regularly.

Writing About The Unseen Signs Of Emotional Abuse

I want to bring to light now that a lot of that is the word gaslighting, where they make you think that it’s your fault for doing X when they’re the ones doing it. That gaslighting is, “You’re trying to blame me for something that you’re doing.” That’s why we’re having this conversation to bring that domestic abuse is still happening. It’s always going to happen. We need to educate ourselves as to whether this could be happening to me. If you have any kind of idea, go to your employee assistance program at work. Read books. Talk to us about your book. What does the book do?

The book is Behind the Smile: The Unseen Signs of Emotional Abuse. I go into the psychological abuse course of control inside of it because that’s a lot of stuff that people don’t understand or recognize as abuse. What we’re taught is that abuse is just physical. It’s something that you can witness, that there are marks from, holes in the wall, bloody knives, and broken bones. It starts long before that. When you get into an abusive relationship, it does not start with a punch in the face.

It starts with, “Aren’t you happy to see me?” When you’re already smiling. “Why aren’t you happy to see me? Why aren’t you showing me you’re happy to see me?” It’s that gaslighting. Immediately, they’re testing boundaries. How can we combat that? We set a boundary. If we feel icky, stop. We have to listen to it. It’s not the fact of I want to be chosen. We can’t be a “pick me” women.

We need to be, “I am worthy of all the amazing things that this universe has to offer. I am worthy of real love. I am worthy of the most amazing partner that God could find for me. I am worthy of it all.” It’s not, “Pick me. You look good. You’re amazing. I want you.” It’s not that. God will place the right person in our lives. I firmly believe this now more than ever. He will bring the right person into your life when it’s time. If you’re healing, don’t jump to another relationship. That’s not going to pick it.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had conversations, both in the workplace and outside the workplace, of people jumping from one relationship to another because they don’t want to be alone when they are clearly being told, “You need to be alone.” Something is happening in their lives where they need to stop, heal, and discover who they are as a wonderful, amazing human to then attract the right person. We don’t need to chase. We need to attract.

Importance Of Therapy Groups And Self-Defense Programs

A lot of good resources are available. We talked about BetterHelp. We talked about going to talk to your OB-GYN or your doctor. We talked about the employee assistance program and your book. Tell us the title of your book again.

It’s Behind the Smile: The Unseen Signs of Emotional Abuse. It is a guide. For friends and family that don’t know how to have that conversation, what the red flags are, and what manipulation looks like. It’s very clear in this book. The power and control wheel is in here as well. There is a list of abusive behaviors that if you’ve gone through and you start checking, you have been in an abusive situation.

They say 1 out of 3 women has been in an abusive situation. That’s reported numbers. That means they called the cops, a domestic violence hotline, or somewhere, and it got reported. I never reported mine. What does that mean? I know many women who have not reported theirs. Those numbers are much higher.

The key is recognition, taking action, and then taking baby steps. Once you’re through the situation, recognizing or working with a therapist on how you can no longer blame yourself, start rebuilding your life. Any other resources that you recommend, Tiffiny?

With all the studies that are out there, leaving an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time. If they’ve ever laid hands on you, their end goal is not to have you alive. Hands down. It’s the end of the cycle. I highly recommend any woman getting out of an abusive situation, one of the top self-defense programs for women, which is jiu-jitsu. It was built by someone who was a 140-pound man who was going up against people much larger than him. He taught them that it’s leverage and technique. It doesn’t have to be strength. That works very well for women.

If your partner laid hands on you, their end goal is not to have you alive. – Tiffiny Newton Share on X

Gracie Jiu-Jitsu, the Gracie family, has a program called Women Empowered. It’s an all-women’s class. It is the top twenty assaults on women documented by police reports. I’m a huge advocate for doing that. I’m going through the process to get certified to teach that program because it is so important. If you’re in a sexual assault position, you’re getting pulled by your hair, or you’re getting shaken or pinned against the wall by your throat, how do you get out of those situations? Those are very important situations to get out of.

Discussion Wrap-up And Closing Words

A lot of good resources. Tiffiny, thank you so much for this conversation again. We know a lot of people feel uncomfortable talking about this. By the way, when I finally was able to get out of my situation, I had to leave in the middle of the day and call people. I’m like, “I’m leaving because of my safety.” You use the word escape. I always use the word leave, but as you were talking, I’m like, “I wonder why I’ve never used the word escape,” because that’s what I did as well.

Thank you so much for all your words and your sharing. I know this is not easy to share things that are so personal and be so vulnerable, but the key for the audience is that domestic violence impacts women in the corporate world. If you’re in that situation, there are things that you could do. We talked about all the resources. Take the time, give yourself some grace, and ask for help because that’s the biggest thing. If you’re in a situation where you don’t know what to do, ask for help. Thank you again, Tiffiny, for all of your knowledge.

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I know that it is not easy to talk about these types of topics, but Tiffiny and I had a powerful conversation. I’m going to leave you with three things that resonated with me the most. Again, I myself went through a situation. The first thing I want you to think about is to find one untrusted person you can talk to. For me, it was my OB-GYN. She was the one that I opened up to. I told her what was going on. She gave me some amazing advice.

Find somebody who can help you to see what you can’t see for yourself, because again, that was me. I didn’t even realize that I was in an abusive relationship. The second thing is to take advantage of the resources that you have. Most corporations have an employee assistance program. They call it an EAP. It’s free. It’s through your job. If the wait is too long, then check out BetterHelp.com. Tiffiny was saying that they can do quick chats and conversations pretty much the same day. They do have financial aid as well.

The last thing, which is key and important, is that you need to protect your income. Your job is going to be your lifeline. If you are having performance issues, talk to your manager. Talk to HR. Let them know that you’re in a precarious situation. You can only share what you’re comfortable sharing, but your job is the path to your freedom. I can speak from experience because I stayed working the entire time that I was going through a bad four-year divorce.

Protect your income. Protect your job. Talk to the manager. Talk to human resources. Do not let that paycheck go because that is going to help you get out of the situation. Take baby steps. Take a shower. Put on some clean clothes. Eat something healthy. Take a walk. Those are little things that you can do aside from starting to work on your mental health. Thank you to Tiffiny for all of her knowledge, expertise, and all of the work that she’s doing.

If you are looking for a place where you can start working on your career, then come check out the Unlock the Leader Within membership, because we are going through the gaps in your career. You might be someone that you’re doing all the hard work, and you’re not seeing those promotions. That might be because there’s an articulation gap, meaning you’re not able to showcase how you’re bringing value to the organization. We talk a lot about that in the membership. With that, remember to be brave, be bold, and take action.

Important Links

• Tiffiny Newton
• Tiffiny Newton on LinkedIn
• Tiffiny Newton on Instagram
• NewTide Consulting, LLC
• IgniteHer, Inc.
• BetterHelp
• Is It My Fault?
• Dangerous Personalities
• Behind the Smile: The Unseen Signs of Emotional Abuse
• Women Empowered
• Unlock the Leader Within – Membership – No Woman Left Behind
• IgniteHer, Inc. on YouTube
• No Woman Left Behind

About Tiffiny Newton

Six years after leaving an abusive relationship, Tiffiny Newton has transformed her pain into purpose. As an independent life insurance broker, founder of NewTide Consulting LLC, and President and co-founder of IgniteHer, INC., she empowers women through their journeys of healing and self-discovery.

Tiffiny is pursuing certification through Gracie Jiu-Jitsu Largo’s Women Empowered program to teach self-defense, equipping women to protect themselves. She actively participates in domestic violence advocacy, attending key conferences and serving on local Sexual Assault Response Teams and Domestic Violence Task Force.

By sharing her story, Tiffiny helps others recognize the signs of abuse, develop safe exit strategies, and reclaim their strength. Her mission is to provide women with the tools to build independent, fulfilling lives, proving that resilience can lead to empowerment and a brighter future.